User blog:Fedora Lord Para 348/APRIL FOOL'S FIGHT: The Wall Battle Royale
Wiz: Some of the most powerful weapons aren't always used to kill, or to hurt, or to destroy. Some of them are just meant to divide, or to protect. Boomstick: That weapon... is the wall. Whether you're hiding inside it, destroying it, or building it, walls are powerful things. Wiz: Sure, it's not a powerful level to be at, but walls are everywhere. They are tall, they are strong, and they keep anything that's not supposed to be in, out. Boomstick: And man, do we have the matchup of the century here! Let's meet our combatants! Bob Belcher, the family man with a restaurant, and the hider inside walls! Wiz: The Colossal Titan, menace to society and destroyer of walls. Boomstick: And Donald J. Trump, businessman, celebrity, reality TV host, current US President, and builder of walls! Wiz: He's Boomstick, and I'm Wiz. And it's our job to figure out who would win... a Death Battle. DEATH BATTLE! In a dry, deserted - well, desert stood an absolutely massive wall. This wall was the best wall, believe me. No one built walls like this wall. It was better than every other kind of wall. It was absolutely yuuuuge! The giant wall stood at a gargantuan one-hundred and seventy feet high, and two feet wide. It's length? It spanned the entire United States-Mexico border. It was plated with a solid gold, and was at least six feet underground to prevent tunneling. The exterior was smooth and flat, lest anyone try to scale the giant wall. Atop the wall stood two human figures. One was a tall man dressed in a shiny black suit with a red tie, and a white button-up shirt underneath. His face was beginning to show its age, laden with wrinkles and preserved with an artificial orange color. His golden hair as beginning to show its age as well, being bald in a few spots and combed-over to give off the illusion of length. Beside him stood a shorter figure, dressed in the same outfit except with white hair and pale skin which was even more wrinkly. These two men were Donald Trump, President of the United States, and his Vice President, Mike Pence. "Well," began Trump, grinning as he gazed upon the horizon. The sun was beginning to set in the west, and an orange-red ambiance lit up their view of Mexico. "We finally did it. We built that wall, and it only cost us about two-billion dollars." Trump bragged, beginning to smirk. "Now those criminals will never be able to get in." Mike Pence chuckled as well. "You did good, President," Pence replied, taking a deep breath and admiring the sunset. "I think we did the right thing. If anyone thinks we're racist for this, we can just have some really expensive taco truck and people will know the truth." Trump turned back to Pence and gave a smile. "Exactly. But really, anyone who calls us racist is just too politically correct. They need to stop watching CNN, because that's all fake news." Suddenly, a loud whirring echoed throughout as a black helicopter hovered above Trump and Pence. A man wearing sunglasses and all black was piloting the aircraft, as he called down below. "Mr. Pence, your ride back has arrived." the man called through the intercom. A rope ladder fell down from the helicopter, landing by Pence's position. Pence then scaled up the ladder. "You sure you're not coming?" Pence asked Trump. The Donald simply gave a side-smile. "Of course not. I'm really rich, so I'm taking my private jet back." Pence nodded as he climbed back into the helicopter. "Got it." "Hey, Pence?" Trump shouted, his voice barely audible through the sound of the chopper. "We did good today." Pence raised an eyebrow as he climbed into the helicopter. That wasn't gay, was it?! Pence thought to himself, before shaking his head. The helicopter then flew off back into the United States as the president waited for his jet to show up. ---- It seemed to be a relatively normal night for the Belcher family. The burger restaurant had closed for the night, and the family had returned to the house. Gene was in his room mashing on an electric keyboard, making loud and deafening music. Louise was in her room thinking of some new harebrained scheme, and Tina was relaxing in her room, staring at the ceiling as she fantasized about a boy she went to karate with. In the living room sat the mother and father of the family: Linda and Bob Belcher. The two of them sat down on the old fabric couch, unwinding after a long day at work. It had been a busy night, as the restaurant was throwing a massive party. Bob reclined back into the couch, giving an exhausted sigh as he stretched his legs. His muscles felt sore and weak from a long day of working. In his exhaustion, he had yet to remove his white apron, drenched in grease and sweat, and stained with mustard. "Bob, sweetie, you worked hard tonight. Why don't you take off your apron and relax?" asked Linda, smiling at her husband. Bob smiled back at his wife, then stood back up. "Yeah, probably a good idea. Gotta be rested up to serve some more burgers for tomorrow!" Bob replied, about to untie his apron. However, the grease an burger residue had stickied the knot. Bob would be able to untie it; it would just take a little bit more effort. "Do you remember what the burger of the day is tomorrow?" asked Bob. Linda shrugged. "I don't recall. You're usually the one to think of them." Bob clicked his tongue, and then scratched his head. "Hmm... jalapeno burger? No... how about one with ham, like a ham-burger? No, that's a terrible idea." "I have an idea!" Linda exclaimed, her eyes lighting up as a wide grin plastered across her face. "Since tomorrow's April Fool's Day, why don't we pretend to have a human flesh burger, and see how people react when they see it?" Bob gave a hearty laugh as Linda proposed the human flesh idea. "That's a great idea! Let's just hope there's no health inspector tomorrow." Linda laughed back, but then suddenly a generic ringtone echoed through the halls of the Belcher family house as her phone rang. She took the phone out of her pocket and answered. "Hello?" she answered. She nodded, giving the occasional "Uh-huh." Bob tilted his head, and raised an eyebrow. "Linda, who is it?" Bob whispered. Linda held her finger up, not answering Bob's question. "Uh-huh... yeah... okay! Yeah, that's fine!" She then pressed a button on her phone and put it in her pocket,and then glanced at Bob. She frowned, an took a deep breath. "Um... sweetie, you're not gonna like this." Bob rolled his eyes and sighed. "Great, is it the Party Pals again? Because I specifically said-" Before Bob could finish his rant, Linda cut him off. "My mother's house burned down and she needs a place to stay until it's done being repaired." Bob's eyes widened, and he went dead silent for a few seconds. "Bob?" "Oh my god." Without a single word more, he dashed away from the living room, and then barged right into Louise's room. "Dad, get out of here!" Louise yelled at him, glaring at his father. "I'm sorry, Louise, but this is an emergency!" Bob panicked, his head beginning to sweat as his eyes darted around the corners of the room. Then, in the right corner upon a shelf, he saw what he was looking for. A lime-green, pear-shaped bear-cat-like nightlight, Kuchi Kopi. With quick haste, Bob grabbed Kuchi Kopi and dashed away before Louise could say anything else. "Bob, where are you going?" Linda called out. Bob ignored her, diving head-first through the wall of his house and into the crawl space. With quick haste, he dashed through the narrow hallway of the crawl space, not once turning back. ---- A tall, slender young man walked through the empty desert, observing the area as he the hot air made him sweat all over. He wore the outfit of the Survey Corps - a short brown jacket with multiple pockets over his torso, above a plain gray shirt. A pair of suspenders held his plain white pants and long brown, leather boots together. He wore a determined thousand-yard stare on his face as he walked along. This was a man known as Bertolt Hoover, and he was one of the greatest traitors known to mankind. He ha recently just barely escaped with a long and intense battle with the notorious Titan Shifter Eren Jaeger, and much to his dismay, he had lost and was forced to retreat. Fortunately for him, Eren was never the best with directions or strategy, and would likely never figure out where Bertolt was now. That was just perfect. Here in Mexico, the Titans were just beginning to take over after all this time. People on streets would flock to their houses for refuge, or outright flee the country to escape from the monstrous human-eaters. Now, Bertolt wasn't here because he just felt like it - he simply packed more manpower than any of the other Titan Shifters. While he was not the one orchestrating this takeover, he was simply the best workhorse for the job. Unfortunately for him, there simply weren't any humans in the area. "Why did Reiner send me in this direction?" Bertolt asked himself. After several long minutes of trudging through the sand, Bertolt gasped in awe as he stared directly at the absolute monster of a wall in front of him. It was plated with solid gold, and it was completely flat. It had to be standing at least one-hundred and eighty feet tall. It was truly a marvel. "So that's why." Bertolt grinned as he bit down onto his thumb, splattering blood onto the ground as suddenly, he morphed into a gigantic, humanoid colossus with no skin whatsoever, leaving behind an exterior of red muscles. This was his alter ego, the dreaded Colossal Titan. And there was nothing the Colossal Titan did better than break down some walls. ---- "When is my jet getting here? I feel like it's really late." Donald Trump muttered to himself, looking down at his gold-plated ROLEX™ watch. Then his eyes widened as he noticed the massive figure of the Colossal Titan. In a panic, Trump pulled a pair of Fujinon™ binoculars from hammerspace, then watched the towering humanoid from the top of the wall. "That's it. You can't stump the Trump!" The Donald placed his binoculars into hammerspace, then pulled out a gigantic megaphone. "Hey!" shouted Trump, his voice echoing. The Colossal Titan did not stop in its path. "This is my wall! Get away from it or I will have no choice but to attack you!" The Colossal Titan, of course, did not stop. Instead, it stared down Trump with a menacing glare as it marched toward the wall. ---- Bob trekked through the narrow crawl space, with only Kuchi Kopi's dim green light to light the way. "Man, it feels like we've been walking forever." Bob muttered. We're not anywhere near your house anymore, Bob heard Kuchi Kopi inside his head. "Wait, what?" ---- Trump continued spewing out nonsense at the Colossal Titan, but Bertolt seemed to be ignoring the Donald's every word. Then, the Colossal Titan pulled back its arm and delivered a heavy punch to the face of the wall. Gold dust scattered as plates of the wall broke off, leaving a massive hole in the Mexico side of the wall. "Hey!" Trump shouted, his face tensing up from anger. "Good taxpayer money went into that!" The dust then scattered - and the hole revealed Bob, crouching down and gripping onto Kuchi Kopi. His eyes widened as he scanned the empty desert, and looked up at the massive figure of the Colossal Titan. "...Oh my god." "You!" Trump shouted, pointing at the Colossal Titan. "Stop attacking my wall. And you!" he shouted, pointing at Bob. "Get out of my wall!" Bob scratched his head. "Wait, this is Trump's wall? I paid for this?!" Climb the wall, Bob. Kuchi Kopi advised to Bob. "Climb the wall? Kuchi Kopi, I can't-" Before Bob could finish his sentence, the Colossal Titan knelt over, reaching his hand out toward Bob. Bob then nodded, and then jumped up - all one-hundred-and-eighty feet - on top of the wall. "Alright, Trump, I've got a few words to say to you-" Suddenly, Trump reached into his hammerspace pocket and equipped a gold-plated katana, then pointed it at Bob. "If you come near me, I won't hesitate to slice you in half. Believe me." Bob gasped, and then reached into his pocket as he pulled out a hamburger. He devoured the burger, scattering bits of meat and bread all around as he felt his blood pumping. Trump and Bob glared at each other, taking battle positions. The Colossal Titan watched from above, clenching fists. FIGHT! Trump swung his katana in a horizontal direction, with a blazing speed that most people would never be able to react to. Bob, however, was not most people. With a hasty sidestep, Bob dodged the strike, the blade not even grazing his apron. His blood still filled with super-powered burger grease, Bob lunged at Trump and delivered a right hook. Donald ducked underneath and weaved to the side, and Bob's eyes widened as he fell face-first onto the wall. "Ow!" Bob grunted, picking himself up. "Okay, I'm fighting the president and a gigantic man without skin! Oh my god, Kuchi Kopi, what do I do?!" Trust your instincts. I don't know, I'm just a hallucination. Bob sighed, but then he saw Trump dashing toward him with his katana poised. "Whoa!" With a near-instant reflex, Bob reached out and caught the katana with his right hand, not sustaining any injury whatsoever. "What?!" Trump shouted. "I paid one trillion dollars for a blade that can't even pierce your skin?! That's it, Trump Armory is finished." Before Bob and Trump could continue their little dispute, the gigantic hand of the Colossal Titan came crashing down above them. "Whoa!" Bob and Trump shouted at once, the two of them jumping back and just narrowly moving out of the way. Trump slashed at the Colossal Titan's hand, which was still planted on the top of the wall. The sword sliced through the webbing of his hand, opening up a massive wound. The Colossal Titan, however, paid no mind to its injury as it turned its head toward Trump. "Alright, big guy, no one fights giant guys better than me. Believe me, I'm the best. Better than anyone." Trump bragged, but then the Colossal Titan pulled back its right hand, and swiped at Trump with his left hand. With not a moment to spare, Trump leaped into the air, just barely avoiding the Titan's giant hand. Off to the side, Bob was punching at the wall in quick bursts from above, nicking his knuckles as he burrowed inside. "I can't be caught up in that," Bob muttered. "I need to find safety." Trump, paying no mind to Bob, grinned as he pulled a gold-plated iPhone™ from his pocket, and then dialed a number in seconds. Immediately afterward, a drone-controlled golden helicopter flew up, and two machine guns opened up from two hatches on its sides. "I will make this country great again!" Trump shouted, smirking at the Colossal Titan. He pressed a button on his phone, and then instantly a rapid-fire wave of bullets fired from the machine guns, unloading at the Colossal Titan. RATATATATATATATATATATATATAT!!! The Colossal Titan roared in agony as the gold bullets pierced through his muscular skin. Bullet holes riddled his hide, and steam appeared to be flying out from the wounds. From the side, Bob widened his eyes as he stared at the helicopter. He gasped, clutching onto Kuchi Kopi as he watched the action unfold. "That's not good..." he muttered. "What burger would be the best for this one...? Mushroom With a View? No... A Leek of Their Own? No. Wait, that's it!" Bob reached into his pocket again, and from hammerspace (or somewhere) he pulled out a burger topped with mint relish. Bob took a gigantic bite of the burger, sinking his teeth in. After that one bite, his skin began to grow pale as his body temperature significantly lowered. "I mint to do that!" Meanwhile, Trump was still unloading a barrage of bullets into the Colossal Titan, whose skin was beginning to regenerate over the bullet wounds. The Colossal Titan swiped upward, hoping to hit the drone helicopter, but Donald Trump moved the chopper to the side just in time. "You can't stump the Trump! Not even Hillary could do it!" he boasted. "Hey, Trump!" shouted Bob, who approached Trump while leaving a trail of frost behind him. Trump and the Colossal Titan faced Bob, both of them looking at him with a deadpan expression which could only be read as, "Really?". Bob then lunged toward Trump again, then took a deep breath and exhaled. A wave of cold air came over Trump and the Colossal Titan, which made the Donald shiver. Colossal Titan, however, simply glared as his body grew to boiling temperatures, emitting steam which would turn into tiny ice cubes upon contact with Bob's cold air. Trump scowled, but suddenly a layer of ice materialized over his phone. "Hey, that's not fair!" Trump shouted as his helicopter stayed put, still airborne. As Trump struggled to thaw out his phone, Colossal Titan reached up and grabbed the helicopter out of the air. Then, he crushed it into tiny golden bits as Trump watched in horror. "Hey, the taxpayers paid good money for that!" Colossal Titan, however, ignored Trump as he slammed his fist down onto the wall, crumbling more parts of it as gold fell onto the ground. Trump and Bob gasped, jumping away from the fist just in time. Bob glared at the Colossal Titan, and then breathed out another wave of cold air in his direction. Bertolt, however, didn't even flinch as his skin didn't even seem to drop in temperature. Bob then shook in horror as he watched his skin grow more rosy and back to its original color. He tried to breathe out more cold air, but nothing. The effects wore off. "Uh-oh." At that exact moment, Trump's phone thawed out completely. "What, you didn't think I would make it freeze-proof?" Trump asked, before pressing some buttons. "This is an outrage. I need to tweet all about this." As Trump furiously worked his thumbs around the keyboard on his phone, Colossal Titan turned his sights to the now-vulnerable Bob. Bob's eyes widened as the sky was beginning to darken. "Uh... Kuchi Kopi?" Your best bet is to run. Bob nodded, pulling out another burger from burgerspace. This one was topped with thyme and a runny fried egg, appropriately titled the "Runny Out of Thyme". With no time to lose, Bob took a bite out of the burger, and suddenly his heart began to pump at an incredible rate, his body being filled with adrenaline. The Colossal Titan smashed his fist down, aiming for Bob once more. This time, Bob darted away from the fist at a speed appearing to be a teleport. The Colossal Titan raised an eyebrow, now impressed at Bob's speed. "Bob Belcher just tried to freeze me over! This is an outrage!" Trump shouted out, as a blue bird without any features flew out of his phone, dashing like a missile toward Bob. Bob quickly sidestepped out of the bird's line of sight, but then he saw an onslaught of birds flying right in his direction. "I can tweet at almost seventy a minute," Trump bragged. "I think I'm the king of Twitter." Like some dangerous game of Dance Dance Revolution, Bob ducked, weaved, jumped, and sidestepped around each bird. Not a single one of them hit him. "You're gonna have to tweet faster than that!" boasted Bob. Trump scowled as he continued to type. However, Bob was too focused on Trump at the moment. Before Trump could fire out more tweets, the Colossal Titan struck at Bob with a backhand. Just in time, Bob jumped over the Colossal Titan's hand. Bob landed back onto the wall, but then he felt his heart rate slow down. "That's not good." Suddenly, his eyes widened as he saw more blue, featureless birds dashing in his direction. Bob moved around a few of them, but then one flew square into his stomach, and then exploded into fragments of words and characters. Bob gave an "oof!" as he fell down, clutching onto his stomach. He picked himself right back up, to see Trump looming over him and now carrying a gold-plated pistol. "You actually tried to stump the Trump. Sad." the Donald bragged. He pointed the pistol at Bob, but then Bob reached into his pocket and pulled out another burger, and grinned. "Alright, Trump, do your wor-" Before Bob even had the chance to bite into the sandwich, Trump pulled out his trademark red "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN" hat, and then threw it in Bob's direction like a Frisbee. Bob's eyes widened as the MAGA hat knocked the burger out of Bob's hands, falling all one-hundred and eighty feet off of the wall. "...Oh my god." Trump then aimed his pistol at Bob, who cringed as he expected the worst to come. BANG! A gold bullet fired at Bob, who raised his hands up, ready for the angels to lift him up into heaven. Which Bob assumed to be full of the best burgers in the world, and a distinct lack of Gloria. ...However, Bob was going to have to wait a long time before that, as the bullet instead harmlessly landed upon a stray ketchup packet hidden in Bob's shirt. Bob gasped as ketchup splashed into Trump's eyes, and all over his suit. "Ah!" Trump screamed, rubbing his eyes. "I hate ketchup! Unless it's with a well-done steak!" After rubbing all the ketchup out of his eyes, he looked down at his jacket. A large streak of ketchup stained his suit, spanning from his shoulder all the way to his leg. "Oh well, I'll just buy a new suit-" Before Trump could finish his sentence, Bob delivered a powerful jab into Trump's stomach. However, Trump didn't even flinch. Instead, a pile of hundred-dollar bills fell onto the ground. "That's not gonna work, believe me," Trump boasted. "I'm really rich." In the midst of Trump's bragging, the Colossal Titan swiped at Trump, grabbing him and hoisting him up into the air. "Hey!" Trump yelled. "Let go of me! I don't know where your hand has been!" Trump pushed against the edges of the Colossal Titan's hand, attempting to escape his grip. The Colossal Titan's hand then started to heat up immensely, releasing steam into the air. Trump screamed in agony as his jacket started to singe beneath the steaming hand of the Colossal Titan. During this time, Bob pulled out a burger topped with sharp cheddar, and gulped it down. After finishing the burger, Bob held a long knife made of hardened cheese. "You know the saying. You can't resist a Sharp Cheddar Dressed Man!" Bob then dashed at the Colossal Titan, and jammed the cheese knife into the Colossal Titan's shoulder. The Titan screeched as the cheese then instantly melted. Bob pulled back his hand as the molten cheese dripped down his hand, leaving a severe burn all over his palm. During this time, though, the Colossal Titan let go of Donald Trump, who then fell down onto his face. After a few seconds of everyone taking some time to reconcile, they all went back into their fighting positions. Things were serious now. Bob and Trump dashed at each other once more, with Bob holding onto another burger. As the two collided, Trump swung his arm in a horizontal position, toppling Bob over onto the ground in a successful clothesline. While Bob was still on the ground, Trump pulled a brown metal chair from... I don't know, chairspace, and slammed it down onto Bob's head, denting the chair. "Ow!" Bob shouted. "Kuchi Kopi, help me out!" You got it. Then, Kuchi Kopi jumped out of Bob's pocket and then grew in size, reaching the height of Donald Trump. Then it flashed a fluorescent lime-green color, the brightness being enough to blind someone. Trump covered his eyes, trying to regain his vision as he stumbled backward. The Colossal Titan slammed his fist down onto the wall again, collapsing another segment of the structure as he picked up Trump and hoisted him into the air again. "That's it! I'm calling my army of Alt-Right trolls to deal with you!" Donald Trump shouted, pulling out his phone once more. But before he could begin to press any buttons, he coughed as he felt the Colossal Titan's grip get stronger. Trump's eyes bulged out of their sockets as all the blood rushed to his head. He looked like a water balloon filled with blood, about to pop. "So much for the tolerant le-EEEEEEEEFT!!" screamed Trump as the Colossal Titan's grip got even stronger, and then blood poured out of Trump's mouth as his eyes popped out, blood gushing from his eye sockets too. The Colossal Titan raised its hand up, about Donald Trump onto the wall again, aiming for Bob. Kuchi Kopi returned to its normal size, but was also directly underneath the Colossal Titan's hand. Save yourself, Bob. "But Kuchi Kopi! I need you! And Louise will literally kill me if I don't return you back home!" Bob wailed. It's too late. Take care of your family, Bob. Bob nodded, jumping out of the way as the Colossal Titan smashed Trump down onto the wall again. CRASH!! Dust, blood, and bits of gold flew out as Bob narrowly escaped the attack. His eyes widened as he saw that Kuchi Kopi was nowhere to be seen - but the mangled, bloodied body of Donald Trump was among the wreckage. K.O.! Bob then looked up to face the Colossal Titan, who was glaring down back at him. "Gotta make this quick, Bob." He then pulled another burger from his pocket, this time one with Chili Relleno on it. He took a bite of the spicy burger, his face flushing red and eyes welling with tears as his tongue flared up beneath the spiciness. However, it got him pumped. "I'm gonna cook your, uh... goose! No wait, that's terrible. I'm all fired up! Oh, that's bad too. Uh, I'm gonna beat you!" Bob shouted out, spitting out fire as he shouted. The Colossal Titan clapped his hands together, aiming to catch Bob in the middle. Bob breathed a ring of fire around himself, and then- SMACK! The Colossal Titan's hands smashed into each other, catching Bob in the middle. There was a long pause. ...Then, the Colossal Titan winced as a hole burned in its right hand. Bob jumped out of the hole, seeming to be completely unharmed. "Chili Relleno-You-Didn't!" Bob shouted. The Colossal Titan, either angered at Bob's refusal to die or how terrible that pun was, heated up its fist and delivered a huge punch right at Bob. The restaurant owner held up both hands, catching the giant fist and holding it up. Bob grunted as he planted his feet down on the wall, pushing against the Titan's fist. The Colossal Titan roared, and then pulled its fist back and delivered another punch with his left hand. Bob then pulled out a frying pan filled with boiling grease from burgerspace. "And from now on, you will dine at Bob's Burgers!" Bob shouted out as he flipped the frying pan over, launching the boiling grease at the Colossal Titan's fist. The grease burned through the muscle tissue, eroding it away as bone matter became visible. The Colossal Titan screeched in agony, but then glared right at Bob. "...That didn't work as well as I expected." Before Bob could say anything else, the Colossal Titan slammed its fist down onto Bob. He sidestepped, but tripped and then the Colossal Titan grabbed him, and scooped him up as he hoisted him into the air. "Think fast, Bob." he muttered, thinking about the different burgers. "I know!" If Bob's Burgers was a cartoon which would show light bulbs when a character had a fantastic idea, then Bob would have one above his head right now. With great haste, Bob pulled a dripping burger with some kind of shine to it. He took a large bite of the sandwich, and suddenly his body turned shiny as it was coated with a slippery butter. "I knew that Butterface Burger would come in handy someday!" With a bit of wriggling, Bob wormed his way out of the Colossal Titan's hand and landed on the wall. The Colossal Titan emitted more steam, clearly not amused. With not a moment to lose, Bob pulled out a burger with large Brussels sprouts on it. He took a large bite of the burger as suddenly a giant beanstalk sprouted from underneath Bob, allowing him to be face-to-face with the Colossal Titan. "Alright, time to fry you! ...Or, grill you? Roast you? Burn you? I don't know..." Bob muttered before shaking his head. "Whatever, I'm going to win!" He then leaped from the beanstalk, pulling back his fist as he delivered a hefty punch into the eye of the Colossal Titan. The Titan screeched, weaving his head around as the pain stung his eye. He bobbed his head back and forth, as Bob struggled to keep his footing, quivering atop the Titan's skull. "...Maybe I should have thought this out a bit more." The Titan roared, then flailed his head, launching Bob back at the wall. Bob landed right on his arm, then heard a terrifying crunch! He looked to see that his right arm had fractured. Bob watched in horror as the Colossal Titan loomed right over him, giving a menacing glare as steam erupted from its body. If you listened closely, you could hear the Attack On Titan theme song. Ha! Now it's stuck in your head. "...I need to find a way out of this," Bob muttered, pulling out another burger- Before Bob could finish his thought, the Colossal Titan delivered a powerful headbutt into Bob. The wall crashed down, leaving Bob among the rubble of the wall... Cough! Cough! Bob coughed and hacked, inhaling gold dust. He found himself underneath a pile of golden bricks, and the Colossal Titan's attention wasn't even on him anymore. Bits of shallots littered the area. "Ah, the Hit Me With Your Best Shallot... so glad I kept that around." Bob dug through the pile of rubble, and to his delight, found Kuchi Kopi, though a little dulled. "Kuchi Kopi! You survived!" Bob exclaimed. Yes, I did. But there are more important matters. Bob looked up at the still unassuming Colossal Titan, who was slowly moving his head around, watching, though not in Bob's direction. "Yeah. Do you have any ideas?" An yellow arrow pointing toward Bob appeared on Kuchi Kopi's stomach. "Me?" asked Bob. After a few seconds, his eyes widened as he turned around - and to his horror, he saw a decomposing skeleton wearing a Survey Corps outfit, and to its sides, two straight, twin blades and metallic boxes loaded with... something. With some curiosity taking over, Bob inspected the mysterious gear. "Three-dee maneuvering gear?" Bob whispered. "What do I do with this?" Trust your instincts. Bob nodded. It was do or die now. Outside the wall, the Colossal Titan scanned the area some more, still looking for any trace of Bob. He raised an eyebrow, having some suspicion over the likelihood of whether he was alive or dead. After a few seconds, he was about to turn around and head back, taking victory for himself when- "Hey!" shouted Bob, now donning the Survey Corps outfit and 3D maneuvering gear. The Colossal Titan turned back around, raising an eyebrow at Bob. Bob then stretched his legs arms out. "Man, I've let myself go. These pants are a little tight on me-" Focus! Bob shook his head around, and then pressed a button on the back of the 3D maneuvering gear. Two grappling hooks fired out, piercing the shoulders of the Colossal Titan. The Titan shrieked in pain, but then gritted its teeth as it pulled back a fist, and delivered a punch in Bob's direction. A true natural with the 3D maneuvering gear, Bob weaved out of the way of the Colossal Titan's punch before it could connect. Bob then equipped both swords, and sliced at the Colossal Titan's forehead. Blood gushed out from the Titan's head, and the colossus stumbled a bit. However, the Colossal Titan caught its footing, and then slammed the back of its hand into Bob, ramming him against the wall. SLAM! Bob gritted his teeth, but then he swung himself at the Colossal Titan with the 3D maneuvering gear again, the grappling hooks this time going into the Titan's chest. Bob stabbed the Colossal Titan in one eye, and slashed down the Titan's throat with the other as he landed back down onto the wall. The Colossal Titan screamed out as blood and steam gushed out of the Titan's wounds. "Oh man, it survived that?!" Bob shouted out as the Titan glared at him again. This time, the Colossal Titan pulled on the grappling hooks of the 3D maneuvering gear, but Bob pressed the buttons on the back. "Come on..." The Colossal Titan then ripped the hooks out of the gear - and Bob gasped. "Oh my god." The Colossal Titan grinned, and then dashed at Bob with his mouth wide open. Not a moment too soon, Bob pulled out a burger topped with sauerkraut - The Final Kraut Down. Bob devoured the burger in a single gulp, and then he started to glow the same lime green as Kuchi Kopi. As the Titan approached, Bob jumped up and delivered a powerful uppercut to the Colossal Titan's jaw. The Titan stumbled over, tripping over the wall and falling onto the ground. "The bigger they are, the harder they fall!" Bob shouted, as he then dislodged one of the large rectangular pieces of the wrecked wall. He hoisted it up and then threw it at the Colossal Titan, hitting the nape of his neck. The wall piece opened up the Colossal Titan's neck - and to Bob's surprise, he saw the battered figure of Bertolt Hoover standing among the wreckage. "There was a person in there?" "No..." Bertolt muttered, looking at his hands They were covered in blood, as was the side of his face. "You!" Bertolt screamed, turning toward Bob. "You did this! I swear, I will-" Before Bertolt could finish his sentence, Bob dashed toward him, wielding one of the swords from earlier. He then thrust the sword forward, piercing through Bertolt's chest and protruding out the other side. He gasped and gagged, spitting out blood. Bertolt's eyes quivered as he slumped over onto the ground, blood spilling out of him as all life drained from his body. "Oh crap, did I just commit murder?" Bob asked himself, looking at the bloody sword. He looked back at the wrecked wall, and the corpse of Bertolt Hoover. "Yeah, I did. Well, I should probably head home now. Louise will love this story if she doesn't kill me first." You did great, Bob. "Thanks, Kuchi Kopi!" Bob and Kuchi Kopi walked back into the wall, following it back all the way to his house. K.O.! ---- Back at Bob's restaurant, there was a new Burger of the Day on the menu - titled, "Human Flesh Prince of Bel-Air". "There's not... actual human flesh in there, is there?" asked one of the customers. "Of course there is!" laughed Louise as a lightning effect flickered in the background. Bob chuckled. "April Fool's! It's not actually human flesh!" Bob replied with a wink. "This just in!" A TV playing the local news was on in the restaurant. "President Trump has been found dead at the border of the United States and Mexico, and his wall has been completely demolished! Moreover, the severe Titan problem has disappeared, as all the Titans have completely fled in fear of an unknown hero. Furthermore, the entire Republican party of the United States has dissolved, and Bernie Sanders has taken over as president of the United States. Who was this hero, and where can we thank him?" asked the reporter. Gene chuckled. "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if that was dad?" Louise gave a laugh. "Please, dad isn't that cool!" Bob chuckled as well. "Yeah, I'm not," Bob then turned to his wife, but then his eyes widened as he remembered. "Wait, Linda, when is Gloria coming?" Linda burst into a fit of laughter. "Oh, Bob, sweetie, that was an April Fool's joke!" Results Boomstick: What... was that? Wiz: I, uh... don't know. Boomstick: Well... looking at it all, there were a lot of things to consider in this fight. Donald Trump, while the most popular combatant among our fans, was absolutely screwed in this fight. Wiz: While Trump may have a sheer advantage in tech, and he is really rich, he possesses many damaging flaws. His small hands made him far weaker than Bob and the Colossal Titan, and was left vulnerable while using his most powerful weapons, such as the Tweets and the helicopters. Trump also had no means of readily-available healing, meaning he would be worn down very quickly. His old age and tight suit made his speed especially lower than the other two, and against Bob's versatility and Colossal Titan's strength, Trump was easily the weakest link. Boomstick: Then, it was between Bob and the Colossal Titan! Both of these two are strong enough to break down walls, but consider that Bob is much smaller than the Colossal Titan. This means that while the two have the same strength overall, Bob is stronger relative to his size. Wiz: That's not even considering Bob's sheer versatility! Kuchi Kopi can help him out, but he can also breathe ice, fire, increase his stats, and much more with his burgers alone. Plus, he could heal himself using his burgers should he take too much damage. Boomstick: Finally, while Bob may not be as experienced in combat as the Colossal Titan, Bob was much less predictable. Especially since the guy is a master of stealth! I mean, did you see him hide in that wall? Wiz: Through sheer stats and versatility, Bob was definitely more than a match for Donald Trump and the Colossal Titan, and once the playing field was level, he definitely had this one in the fryer. Boomstick: Looks like Trump got fried, and the Colossal Titan got to meat his end! Wiz: The winner is Bob Belcher. Credit goes to SilverthehedgehogMan, who came up with the idea. Category:Blog posts